Relationships are the most complex mixture of feeling a human can go through. In a relationship you find yourself building bridged, tearing down bridges and reconstruction your personality.  At some point in a person’s life you always find one person that completes you or you have the worst experience in your life.  Some of us find both types but the damage done from one relationship impacts the perfect relationship.
I never quite understood why a victim of abuse would ever want to stay with the abuser.  It takes becoming a victim to understand their thinking.  Victims always want to get away and want a better life.  The issue is getting away from the abuser.  It is not as easy as one thinks.  Ex Parte’s don’t keep the crazy people away it just adds fuel to the fire. The threat of going to jail no longer scares anyone because of human rights mandated in prisons and most prisoners are repeat offenders.  Prisoners are no longer scared of going back and in most cases they break the law the same day because they want to go back to prison that is the life they know how to live.  The only way to get away is changing who you are and leaving everyone in your life behind which cost money and family is difficult to leave.  So how do victims get away, they don’t.  If a victim is lucky enough to get away the emotional and physical damage done impacts them for the rest of their life.  Our system does not allow victims to become free and abusers are handed the opportunity to be repeat offenders.
With abusers it is all about control and power in which most cases the victims can free them self by taking that away from the abuser.  Here are a few tips to get your life back from abusers:
1. Do move out but stay with friends or family so you always have a witness and a support team to help you at your weak moments.  Abusers fear individuals that show no sign of fear and aren’t afraid to tell the abuser to get out or leave.  Sure you will get threats, be safe but don’t let the abuser know you are scared.  Most times it is just a threat and nothing more.
2. Emails, text messages and calls – Don’t answer.  Don’t read unless you have too, just save in a folder.  Why give them the time of day to upset you or why give them the fuel to start an argument or continue an argument.  If you have to reply stick to the business approach and ignore the rest.  Easier said then done, huh?  Everyone needs to vent, so there is nothing wrong with hitting reply then typing out your message but instead of hitting send; hit delete.  Typing out your anger and feelings will help give you release without giving the abuser more fuel.
3. Avoid the places they go.
4. Make new friends and remove any exposure to or limited communication with people that associates with the abuser.  Remember the people that remain friends with the abuser only remain friends with you so they can spy for the abuser.  If you have to communicate with those people there is nothing wrong with saying that you are taking self defense classes or you are an advocate speaker about abuse.
5. Realize the abuser is not going to change.  The only way a person can truly change is if they admit they have a problem “Saying I’ve changed” is not admitting the problem.  The abuser needs counseling, anger management and time to learn to control their behavior.  Recognize this takes time not a month try six months to a year.
The best way to end abuse is by removing the power and control they hold.  The best thing a victim can do is get in counseling and learn to recognize the pattern so they don’t stay victims.
First there is no such thing as a perfect relationship but there is a such thing as a rock solid relationship.  If you want a perfect relationship it takes work, it takes patience and it takes communication.  If you can talk about embarrassing moments with that person you are probably in a good relationship.  Being able to communicate means you have the ability to talk about everything because you never know what you will face in a relationship.  If you can take your time and not rush into anything the stronger your relationship will be.
Good luck in your relationships and know that you are not alone.


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